I See You.

by Kori P.

I see you.

Sitting over there in the corner booth, a gorgeous girl by your side. You are surrounded by friends, love and laughter, but every time you reach for a drink, I see you.

I see you force the smile everyone fell in love with.
I see you hide the sorrow in your eyes.
I see you hide the emptiness in your heart.
I see you.

I am so sorry you didn’t know that I could see you. I am so sorry you felt you were fighting alone. The demons consumed you, and we all sat back and watched. For that I am sorry.

It was only a few days before your untimely death that you spoke about your will to live. Your will to fight. I mistook your fear for strength, how could I be so stupid? What could have been a cry for help was simply responded to with, “You got this” and “I’m praying for you” by many who truly did love you and believe in you, but we missed it. Somewhere along the path we were walking we missed the bread crumbs you were dropping. The clues that you were giving up, but not quite ready to let go.

At what point did the birds come? At what point did they eat the crumbs? This is something I must know, for you see, maybe I could go back to that time and draw a line in permanent marker. For then, you’d never lose your way. When it seemed all the crumbs were eaten, and you were too far gone, you’d see my marker trail and find your way back to us, to yourself.

But this life has no rewind button, we only live each moment once. We must breathe one breath at a time, one breath after another. You must never lose the will to take that next breath, for it is then you have decided it is not worth it.

That is what you did. You decided.

The way you took your life will forever haunt me. I live in this town; I drive past the place quite often. It’s as if you wanted us to remember your pain, the pain you learned to hide so well. I weep when I think of you standing there alone, note in hand as you came to terms with what you were going to do. My heart aches when I picture you scared and hurting. I am angry with God for not letting someone drive past you and stop you. I am angry at your close friends for not being there. I am angry, and it isn’t fair.

You let it beat you…control your mind and actions. The guilt I feel is unbearable. The pain is indescribable. It is an awkward empty feeling, a burning in the pit of my stomach. I want to throw up, scream, shout, run as fast as I can until the road runs out. Run away from it all. Escape it all. When will it end?

My friend I hope your soul has found peace. I hope you give comfort to those of us who love you and are mourning. Your name is one we will honor; your death will not be in vain.

Sweet loves that this reaches, I know you share my pain somehow. Perhaps you need someone to tell you they see you. If that is the case, then please know I do. Someone out there always sees you, you are never alone. Depression is real. Addiction is real. And we know that.

If you are out there then hear this, for you have choices to make.
Curl in a ball and pity yourself in a dark room with the curtains shut tight, that’s is fine, shut the world out. Center yourself. Find yourself. Find your worth. Pray
Scream and shout. Throw things. Pitch a fit. That is fine. Release the anguish so it doesn’t build inside

until you feel you have no choice.
Bust down the doors of the church after hours, seeking God’s face. That is fine. He will meet you at the altar. He always will.
Breathe, for this too shall pass. 
You are loved. You are worthy.

But my friend, if you decide nothing else, decide this:

Live.