Life With Social Anxiety
I am 25 and out of those 25 years I think that I was an outgoing person for maybe 13 of those years. Up until my teen years I was okay with making friends and hanging out with everyone I met, I didn’t care if I was disliked by anyone. I was on a quest through middle school to make as many friends as possible. I liked to make people laugh and feel as though I brought some sort of enjoyment to their lives.
Then, high school happened and that all went out the window. Suddenly I was concerned about everything and everyone. Does my hair look good? Are my clothes fashionable? Am I ugly? These were daily questions I would ask myself and quite honestly they were questions that I had all of the wrong answers to. Out of nowhere I went from being a social butterfly to a curmudgeon.
You would think eventually I would stop caring about peoples opinions of me, that would have been the smart move. It hasn’t happened yet and here I am at 25 years of age. It’s quite confusing really, I want to have social interaction but the second I go out somewhere I curse my existence and wish I would have stayed home. It’s sad when you get down to it, my constant fear of judgement makes my life about as interesting as watching paint dry.
Maybe one day I will overcome this crippling fear but it isn’t looking good. I don’t make eye contact , I don’t smile, I walk with my head down everywhere I go and I will purposefully avoid contact with people just because I know that they can’t judge me if they can’t see me.
What started all of this? That’s a good question but ultimately I don’t have an answer. I would assume my mind has hidden it away somewhere for me to never find as I’m sure it’s unpleasant. The kicker to all of this is that I’ve just accepted it. I don’t go out anymore, ever. The few friends I do have ask me if I want to go out occasionally and I turn them down time and time again. The fact that I even have friends is a miracle in itself.
Who knows, perhaps one day my social anxiety will leave just as quick as it came on and I shall return to my former glory as that funny guy who goes places. Yeah right, who am I kidding, I’ll probably end up as a crazy cat person by the time I’m 40.