Why I Chose To Not Have A Sexual Identity
By Kirsten F.
“I chose to be limitless when it comes to defining my relationships. “
When I was a teenager I would try to force myself to fit into different categories. My self identity came with a checklist of adolescent ideals that I felt fit me at the time. I claimed the emo/scene notch on the list proudly, and felt as if that was who I was, until it wasn’t. I attempted to become urban, preppy, and a list of other things when it pertained to social status. Those tags became how I presented myself to people and chose to express the definitions of those categories freely.
My teenage years were spent throwing myself into different lifestyles, and figuring out my sexual identity was a huge part of that. I was heterosexual, a lesbian, questioning, bi-sexual which then lead me to being pansexual, queer and eventually where I am now. This very moment, where I have decided to not identify as anything at all (actually I chose to live this way a long time ago). I am done with the labeling of my relationships with others, and I say this because I don’t just like one specific type of person. Sexuality isn’t black or white for me, and to be brutally honest it isn’t the grey area either. My views on sexuality and sexual fluidity form a galactic type of scenario inside of my mind.
In my world my attraction to others isn’t based of off genitalia or what they choose to describe themselves as. My attraction to other humans comes from the uniqueness that person has within. It’s about who they are internally, and the mental connection that we have. It is difficult being a person with no chosen identifier, simply because a lot of times others don’t understand. I am not homosexual, nor heterosexual, nor am I any other label that falls underneath the umbrella of sexual identity. I identify as a woman, a writer, black, and a number of other things, however when it comes to relationships and dating… I had no way of figuring that out, nor do I ever want to. I’ve dated and am very open to pretty much anything that I deem fitting. I’ve had my fair share of conversations about being confused and have even had people demand that I identify myself so that they will feel more comfortable.
It doesn’t work like that though, I can’t just place myself into a box because society says I have to. How dishonest would I be if I just claimed to be someone that I am not, nor have no desire to be. Throughout the phases in my life I’ve transformed, and become another (albeit a much better) version of myself. I think of my journey to self discovery, and how being apart of those different subsections of sexuality helped me figure out what or who I liked. There are women that I would marry if they asked me (hello Zoey Kravitz) and there are also men who I would love on if they came my way. However there are also gender-less folks, and those who are like me who have no set sexual preference that I am into.
I once thought that I was a lesbian, a full blown rainbow wearing, hardcore lesbian… and then I dated a boy. Which lead me back to the bisexual route that I had left for lesbian land. I then decided one day that I felt like I could check more attributes off under the Pansexual subsection of the LGBTQ+ community. Until one day that wasn’t enough anymore, I didn’t fit the description under any of them. Confusion and shame set in, and I questioned who I was entirely, if I couldn’t choose a sexual identity than what am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to tell people that having a vagina or a penis isn’t a requirement for my natural attraction to another human?
Labeling myself and my attractions caused me to exclude others, I felt as if when I was underneath the rules of a specific label I was missing out elsewhere. I had to stop myself from liking someone because they weren’t apart of my specific grouping. How could I limit myself in such a way? Relationships come in all styles and in the form of different people. Which is why I chose this, I chose to be limitless when it comes to defining my relationships. I choose to be as free as a bird, because love is everything. I choose to be a harbor of gender free love, and I’m okay with that. I am who I am, and have no desire to ever change that part of me.